Last updated on March 31st, 2022 at 05:51 pm
It can take years to untangle yourself from a toxic relationship with a narcissist. But, when there are children involved, it’s not always possible to cut ties entirely. Therefore there can be many issues for people who still have to navigate co parenting with a narcissist ex.
One important thing to remember is, you’re not alone. There are plenty of others out there who are struggling to co parent with a narcissist ex. The upside of this is that there’s lots of experience had by others that we can learn from, and advice to share. That’s how we’ve come up with these three great tips and other pointers to help parents struggling with this issue.
How do I Know if My Ex is a Narcissist?
Well, the chances are if you’ve clicked on this topic you’ve probably suspected for a long time that your ex was a narc.
If they regularly used to gaslight you, tell lies, be cold, distant or critical of you, thats a strong indicator.
And if every time you tried to leave they started love-bombing you, promising you the world and suddenly being the perfect partner – that’s another major clue.
How Narcissism Manifests in Co Parenting
Threatening to stop paying for the children, or to stop seeing them is another sign of a narcissist co-parent.
They might also accuse you of stopping them from seeing their children for no good reason.
This is often an act they put on, to make others feel sorry for them, and so they can play the victim.
Often, behind closed doors they will show very little interest in the children, put in hardly any effort or refuse to help you with them.
But on social media they’ll likely try to display themselves as super involved and a dedicated parent.
Phrases Narcissist Partners Say A Lot
”You’re overreacting, you’re too sensitive. You take things too seriously.”
“You’re crazy.”
“I’m not responsible for your feelings.”
“Here you go again, always trying to talk about problems all the time. There’s nothing to talk about.”
“You’re obsessed.”
How to Deal With Co Parenting With a Narcissist Effectively
1. Communication Limits
Parents need to communicate with each other, that’s a given. However, opening up lines of communication with a narcissist can leave you vulnerable to toxic behaviour or abuse.
Here’s a tip on how to effectively discuss the kids without breaching any boundaries, which are super important to maintain in a situation like this.
Remember it like this: How to not set off the BOMB
Communication with your narcissistic ex should be;
Business-like…
Try to think of them as a colleague rather than an ex or a friend. Don’t discuss your personal lives, don’t expect any affection, or try to engage in more than factual talk.
On topic…
Don’t stray from talking about anything other than the kids. If it’s not related to your children, cut it off.
Mediated…
If safety is a concern, or if the narcissist won’t stick to the boundaries set, use a court-approved mediator.
Basics…
Cover the basics of what the other parent needs to know. When they last ate, any accidents, injuries or upsets, or school-related issues.
Sticking to these pointers will significantly reduce the risk of any arguments starting up. It might also be a great idea to use an app to channel all your communications through, as it will further eliminate opportunities for negativity.
2. Document Everything
Documenting all communication while co parenting with a narcissist ex is always a good idea. In case you ever need to provide evidence for legal action, you’ll have everything you need.
With this in mind, it’s a good idea to always write to your ex (whether it be via an app, social media, email or messaging platform) as if someone is going to read it. Cover your own back by always being respectful – even if the narc is really testing your patience!!
3. Get Help with Narcissist Abuse
If your narcissist ex is targeting you with verbal abuse, physical abuse, or threats, immediately seek help.
Contact your local police on 999 if the threat to yourself or your kids is immediate – don’t hesitate. Or if it’s not an immediate issue call their non-emergency line.
Women’s Aid can be a valuable resource and can put you in touch with a refuge if your location is not safe.
Arm Yourself With Knowledge
The old saying ”knowledge is power” really is true. So it might also be wise to get help with understading your narcissist better.
Reading up on narcissism online, or watching informational YouTube videos made by therapy experts could help.
If you can learn how and why narcissists do what they do, you can better protect yourself from their manipulation.
Two great resources for this are this Youtube channel:
And this popular Tik Tok channel:
https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMLHJykxp/
They both explain narcissistic behaviour amazingly well.
Co Parenting With a Narcissist Doesn’t Always Work
If your narc ex is truly making your life and your kids lives a misery, its time to call it quits.
Filing for full custody, moving away or in extreme cases moving into a refuge to avoid stalking or physical harm is the only right thing to do.
Of course there might be many good reasons why you really don’t want to go that far. But if yours or your kids safety is at risk, what’s the alternative?
Sometimes we don’t want to believe that our exes would really hurt us but in reality it happens every day.
Final Thoughts
One final, and unofficial piece of advice is to just be kind to yourself. One of the hard things about co parenting with a narcissist is that it can feel very lonely. A lot of victims of narcissist abuse also blame themselves for ever getting tangled up in the relationship in the first place. Especially if they feel that it’s now affecting their children.
It is however, not anyone’s fault but the narcissist. And dwelling on the past doesn’t help. Focus on you, your kids, and their bright futures – nothing else!
Finding a supportive community of people who have experienced similar issues can go a long way towards helping your well-being!
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