5 Ways That Co-Parenting Exes Can Avoid Becoming Toxic Parents

Last updated on August 19th, 2023 at 03:22 pm

When I had my first child, I thought all I needed to do was learn how to look after him. Then when I became a single mother, I thought I just needed to learn how to do it on my own. When I realised how hard co-parenting is, I also realised how hard I and a lot of other people in my situation have to work to make sure we don’t become toxic parents.

The learning never stops.

But, while I’m still learning all the time, I’ve also realised that it all gets a lot easier once you understand a few key things about yourself, and how to take a step back every once in a while, even when you might feel like diving forward…

What is a Toxic Parent?

A toxic parent is one who often instils negative feelings such as guilt, shame, fear or confusion in their children. Toxic parents are usually described as being ‘emotionally unstable’ in some way, and will often have dramatic outbursts or fits of rage that they either can’t or won’t avoid displaying in front of their kids. 

In a situation where there’s been a family split, rather than keeping their own adult issues separate or private from their children’s lives, all the dirty laundry tends to get aired in front of the kids when one, or both parents, are behaving in a toxic way. 

And a toxic parent will often go as far as involving the child – by telling them information that’s inappropriate for their age range or for the parent/child relationship. 

They might even try to turn their child against the other parent, or guilt them for wanting to see or spend time with the other parent. It’s considered toxic when a child feels obligated to show preference or more love for one parent over the other. 

In a nutshell, it seems like the three main things that ‘toxic parents’ struggle with are;

1. Control – trying to control the actions or opinions of those around them.
2. Emotion – being unable to manage their feelings and letting emotion rule their actions.
3. Coping mechanisms – turning to unhealthy methods of dealing with stress.

How to Avoid Becoming Toxic Parents

One of the toughest lessons in life that you learn when you reach adulthood is that everything works in cycles. People who were raised by toxic parents are more at risk of becoming toxic parents themselves. 

Even if you grew up thinking, “I never want to be like my mum/dad” –  be honest –  in a moment of anger, stress or high emotion, have you not heard yourself blurt out one of those same horrible phrases that your parents used to say to you in a similar situation?

It happens to us all. We learn behaviours and coping mechanisms straight from our parents’ actions – whether they be good or bad.  

But the key thing is – cycles can be broken. Behaviours can also be unlearned. 

Anything that we recognise in ourselves as toxic, doesn’t have to stay. It’s not imprinted in your DNA or genetics, it’s just an environmental factor that rubbed off on you. Until you decided to change it. 

You might not be aware at all that your behaviour has become toxic if it’s related to a divorce or a split. It’s a time of high emotion, there’s a lot going on, and you might not be your best self. 

After all, we’re all only human and we can’t put on a brave face and a perfect facade all the time. But it’s important to keep a level of awareness of your actions and ask yourself questions about your behaviour, even on bad days. 

Am I handling this well?

Do I need to take time out and remove myself from the situation right now? 

How am I making my kids feel? 

Is this fair? 

These are just a few questions that could really save you from making a mistake before the heat of the moment strikes. 

When You’re Co-Parenting With Someone Who Hurt You

When you’re having to parent with someone who’s hurt you, you’re of course going to have some negative feelings about them. You might even truly believe that they are simply a bad person, that they hurt you deliberately and therefore they do not deserve any respect or forgiveness from you. 

But what about your kids? 

When you dislike your ex, it’s not really your job or your place to make sure that your kids don’t like them either. You can’t tell someone else how to feel or force them to share your point of view. 

Your ex-partner may have hurt you terribly, and that’s not nice. But if they’ve never done anything to hurt your kids, that’s the bottom line. Your ex’s relationship with the kids is separate from their relationship with you. 

If they are the type of person who often does let your kids down, by being unreliable or absent, that’s a trickier situation. But there’s a toxic and a non-toxic way to respond to that. 

Let’s look at some examples.

Scenario:
Your kids’ other parent has called and said they want to come and pick the oldest child up on Saturday, to take them out for the day. You remember lots of times in the past when this person has said they wanted to make plans with you, but when it came to it they cancelled at the last minute. However, your child has overheard this conversation and really wants to go, so you say yes. Then Saturday comes, and your co-parent hasn’t shown up and is not answering their phone.

Response (A) 

You’re furious, as you knew this would happen. You’re mad at your ex for letting your child down, and at yourself for hoping that this time would be different. Out loud, you say:

“See, I told you your dad/mum would do this. They said they were going to come and see you today, but here we are three hours late and no sign of them. What an ****.  This is exactly why I couldn’t stay in a relationship with them. They just don’t care about you or me, they never have.” 

Why it’s a toxic response:

That’s an example of speaking out of anger, disappointment and hurt. It’s the response of someone who’s angry that their child has been disappointed and neglected. And someone who’s resentful of the repeated patterns of a person who is unreliable. 

It’s understandable, but it also does nothing to respond to the child’s needs at that given time. It does nothing to help the child feel better, and it doesn’t acknowledge the child’s feelings. 

What response (A) does, is give the child these messages;

1. I’m angry. 
2. You should be angry too. 
3. You’re not loved by your other parent. 
4. This is an irreparably sh**ty day now. 

Response (B) 

You’re upset, and so is your child. You sit them down and tell them:

“I’m so sorry they didn’t show up. I know you were looking forward to today, you must feel really disappointed. When I next speak to them, I’m going to let them know this is not OK and you deserve an apology. I guess we’ll just have to change plans and spend some time together instead, what shall we do? The park? Or TV and snacks…”

This response is calm, without dismissing, ignoring or pretending that the situation isn’t disappointing. 

You can’t really predict whether or not you’re going to make your child feel 100% better with this response, but you’re certainly not going to make them feel any worse, in the way that response (A) likely will. 

It’s also better because it’s not all wrapped up in your personal anger and feelings of resentment towards your co-parent, but actually more centred around how your child is feeling. 

The messages they’ll get from response (B) are; 

1. Your feelings are understood 
2. Your feelings are valid 
3. You will be advocated for (and hopefully get an apology)
4. We can find another way to still have a positive day.

Hopefully, from those examples, you can see which one has the outcomes that you’d rather have for your child. Even if you look at them, and think “well, everything said in response A was completely true…” 

The point is, it doesn’t matter what’s true. It’s about what’s helpful. What makes you seem like a good and supportive parent and a safe place for your child, in their eyes. 

When Your Co-Parent is Trying to Turn Your Kids Against You 

If you suspect that your kids might be being turned against you in some way, really the first thing you should do is seek some outside help. 

If your co-parent is standing in the way of you seeing the kids, for no good reason, then you should seek legal help quickly before that becomes the norm. 

Keeping communication flowing between you and your children will be key if you think they might be being fed stories or lies about you. Ask them questions, let them ask you questions, and try to have honest but appropriate conversations about some of the things they’ve heard.

You could also seek some advice from many of the charities in place to help single-parent families, who have helplines and centres that you can visit. They can help you with your unique situation and give you guidance on what to do next.

How to Co-Parent More Easily When you Don’t Get Along 

These are the 5 simple tips that make life a little bit easier if you and your ex struggle to get along. 

1. Unfollow each other on social media and only talk about the kids. Leave out all irrelevant topics surrounding your personal lives. 

2. Be fair and be appropriate. Don’t use your kids as pawns in warfare with your ex.
   

3. Do some work on yourself, healing, therapy, and reading self-help books. Decide what it is you need to do to solidify your happiness.
   
4. Read some good co-parenting books. You can find some great suggestions here. 
   

5. Listen to your kids, put them first and let their happiness lead your decisions. 
   

Having less information about your ex’s life outside of your kids, and talking about it less eliminates opportunities for bickering or disagreements. Try to talk to your ex about whether you think you’re becoming toxic parents because of things like this. Maybe you’ll agree that they should unfollow you too.

And the less time you spend thinking about what they’re doing, the more time you can spend on yourself. Make sure you’re ok and doing well so you can be the best version of yourself for your kids. 

Co-parenting really is hard sometimes, so learning more about it from books could be invaluable to you and really help make life easier. 

Remembering that your kids are also going through all this, not just you, is a really important thing that’s surprisingly easy to overlook at times when you’re overwhelmed with other things that might be going on. 

There’s light at the end of the tunnel, I promise you! Time is a healer and experience paves the way to success.

And don’t forget, even if you’ve done some pretty toxic things in the past, there’s no reason that you can’t move on in a more healthy way in the future. Even the fact that you’re reading this now is a sign that you do make a huge effort to go after self-improvement. You’re willing to learn how to be an effective parent, you’re taking steps to be the best parent you can be. You’ve got this!

Did you find this article helpful? Let me know in the comments!

You can find more helpful advice on co-parenting and single parent life throughout the blog here on Just-Us-Two.com. Take a look!