Mother or Martyr? When Motherhood Becomes Self-Sacrifice

Last updated on February 22nd, 2022 at 11:04 pm

Motherhood is sometimes the toughest and loneliest job. But are you making it harder on yourself than you need to? Let’s explore whether your efforts to be a “good mum” are actually making you a martyr to the cause.

Martyr – “someone who tries to get sympathy from others when he or she has a problem or too much work, usually when that person caused the problem or chose to do the work himself or herself”

Cambridge Dictionary

When Perfectionism in Motherhood Makes You a Martyr

So, you’re a bit of a perfectionist in life, generally speaking. Now you’re a mother – with the most important type of responsibility you’ve ever had.

Nothing but the best is good enough for your baby, and only you can do the best. You know your baby better than anyone else – they grew in you! You birthed them! Just by looking at their face, their movements, the tone of their voice… you know what they need and when they need it.

Therefore, what happens is, you get burnt out from doing a kick-ass job of looking after the baby 24/7. Everyone around you can see you’re doing a great job, but they can also see you’re getting tired, ratty and you’re running out of stamina.

They offer you help, offer you rest and a break. But they don’t know how to do everything like you do. Maybe you go upstairs to lie down, but you hear the baby start to cry. After 5 minutes, it hasn’t stopped. What are they doing down there? You forgot to tell them that it’s time for a bottle soon. Are they preparing a bottle? I’m just going to have to go down and do it myself.

And there it is, you’ve become a martyr. You’re not allowing yourself the chance to relax, and not accepting the help you’re offered. Because you don’t feel like anyone can live up to the ridiculously high standards you’ve created, you’d rather suffer than let someone else step in.

Just Us Two

How the Pressures of Modern Parenting Contribute

We as a generation are experiencing a unique struggle right now. We’re trying to erase some of the generational trauma of the parents and grandparents before us, who were, shall we say, less ‘enlightened’.

Therefore there’s a lot of emphasis on us as mothers to make sure not to mess up our kids.

It’s very easy to see the benefits of taking up the point of view of gentle parenting. Who wouldn’t want to raise their child with the utmost amount of love and respect possible? When we join a gentle parenting community or start reading the books, we become aware of the many, many rules we’re advised to follow.

We must acknowledge their feelings and work through them patiently and with understanding. We mustn’t use outdated tactics to tackle bad behaviour. No time outs, finger-wagging, oh – and no saying “NO”. And don’t forget the cardinal rule – thou shalt not SHOUT!

It all sounds perfectly reasonable and beneficial for the child. But after a little while it becomes apparent that all your gentlest and most understanding conversations fall flat to a screaming toddler who doesn’t understand what the heck you’re saying.

The temptation to wag that finger becomes stronger and stronger as they scream, shout, kick and throw their train track pieces at your forehead. The book says to calmly tell them “I understand you’re feeling upset, but please take your fingers out of my eye”. In reality, what actually happens is that you lose your temper and you shout.

Then comes the incredible guilt and the internal angst of not living up to the modern motherhood expectations. For not having the patience of a saint, not getting it ‘right’ every time.

Carrying the burden of your child’s future wellbeing and happiness, dependent on your every reaction and decision – that’s a lot. As if you haven’t been carrying the mental load of all the practical aspects, now this, too.

Motherhood

What’s the Solution?

If it’s reached a point where you’re exhausted and stretched too thin, but you can’t even talk about it because all your friends and family say you’ve brought it on yourself? Somethings got to change.

Work on your communication and express your feelings to those around you. Tell them exactly why you’ve been rejecting their help, and the feelings of perfectionism and pressure you’ve been grappling with. It should help them understand you better and perhaps give them some compassion for your situation.

Set boundaries for yourself. Recognise when you’re almost at the point of;

• crying
• shouting
• getting a stress headache/feeling unwell
• neglecting other important aspects of your life

This is when you need to stop, and you need to let someone help you. Whether or not you think they’ll get everything perfect – remember that it’s just for a little bit while you get some rest, and it does no good for your child to see you strung-out.

Use your time to get some much-needed self care done. Sleep, rest, pamper and eat. Zone out with some escapism, and don’t feel bad about it.

You need to learn how to surrender to life sometimes. And once you do, it’s a lesson that will keep benefitting your life over and over. Motherhood is meant to be enjoyable, and if it isn’t right now, it still can be. Good luck!

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