The Best Way To Undo The Damage of Narcissistic Parents

Last updated on July 15th, 2023 at 01:08 pm

There could be lots of reasons why you’d like to know how narcissistic parents affect their children. Perhaps you know someone who you suspect may be a narcissist? Or maybe even you believe you yourself have been affected by narcissistic parenting. 

This article will shine some light on some of the possible consequences of this kind of dysfunctional family relationship. And it could also give you the answers you seek, particularly if you think you might have a narcissist co parent on your hands. 

So read on, and make sure to subscribe to Just-Us-Two.com to read more content on family relationships and parenting! 

What does Narcissistic parenting look like?

A parent who’s a narcissist will often have a skewed view on parenting. Rather than giving their children space to flourish and be their own person, they’ll use their child as an extension of themselves. 

To them, the child is a source of attention, and a badge of achievement. “My child is so good at everything, thanks to me.”

Therefore, the first result of narcissistic parents is that the child will;

1. Adapt their personality to suit the parent. Sometimes they push their real feelings aside because they’re used to their emotions being met with negativity. This can end up resulting in a need to be perfect, so as to try and avoid any criticism. Or pretending everything is good, when it isn’t, because they don’t want any fuss or drama.

A child of a narcissist parent doesn’t understand what’s going on. They have no idea that their parent is making mistakes, because it’s just what they’ve always known.

Therefore, their only conclusion is that the conflict they’re experiencing was somehow caused by them. They will think things like; “Maybe if I was better, my parent wouldn’t be so unhappy with me.”

This is the second result of narcissistic parenting;

2. The belief that love is conditional. Because the narcissist parent only seems happy when the child is fitting the mould of what they want them to be, the child feels like they need to jump through hoops to be loved.
   

All of these things combined, create a real sense of uncertainty in the childhood environment.

3. Chronic indecisiveness can also be an indicator of a child who’s been subject to narcissist parents. They feel anxiety around making choices because they’re worried about possible backlash from choosing the ‘wrong’ thing in their parents eyes.

And finally, there’s a high likelihood of an insecure attachment style in a child whose parent is a narcissist. 

4. Later in life, they might find that they struggle to create healthy boundaries in their adult relationships. They might continue to surround themselves with people who display narcissistic traits because that’s what seems familiar to them.

What do I do if my Co Parent is a Narcissist?

If you suspect that your child’s other parent might be a narcissist, you may be right. The first thing to do is to get some relevant and professional advice from a reliable source. It’s important that your family gets the right support if you have questions, concerns or conflicts surrounding co parenting or your family life. 

Co-Parenting Info on Just-Us-Two.com

This article includes a list of charities who help single parents with emotional and practical support.  Help for Single Parents

There’s also an article that details some helpful resources including books about co parenting, here. Co Parenting, The Best Advice

Recognition is the first step to combatting the affects of a narcissist parent. So first and foremost, it’s a good thing if you’ve identified this behaviour in your co parent. 

‘What to do’, is a question to which the answer will be different depending on the age of the child or children. If they are still quite young, it might be best that the narcissist parent is not their primary carer. 

But in any case, as their more stable parent, spending time with you is going to be somewhat of an antidote to the narcissism.

As long as you are modelling unconditional love, and being an example of consistency, nurturing and respect, they will learn how to feel truly loved and cared for. 

Talking to your child about their feelings and discussing things that have happened, will be beneficial to you both. It’s a great chance to undo any gaslighting that your co parent may have knowingly or unknowingly done. 

There’s no need to say anything negative about the other parent, as that can have damaging consequences. But wording things in a way that highlights understanding (or lack thereof) can be a good way to do it.

 “____ doesn’t always realise that when they tell you to stop crying, that it makes you feel like your feelings aren’t important. Your feelings are important. You can always come to me when you feel this way.”

What to take away from this; 

In essence, parents with narcissistic traits can instil false messages in a child. Such as;

You are not good enough.

Your feelings aren’t important.

That never happened.

I (the parent) am not the problem, you (the child) are.

The other parent, a guardian, friend, relative or confidant can combat these false beliefs by displaying;

• Unconditional love
• Consistency 
• Honesty
• Acknowledgement 
• Warmth 

While it’s often said that narcissists can’t or won’t change, the good news is that the damage they cause can be healed. As much as a child can learn some false facts from a narcissist, they can also unlearn them with the right support and nurturing. 

Hopefully you found that information on narcissistic parents helpful. If you did, be sure to comment, like, or share it. Subscribe to be notified when more valuable content like this becomes available! 

Important note: 

If you have really pressing concerns about any situation or environment that your child might be subject to with your co parent, seek advice from a professional. You may want to consider filing for sole custody.