Last updated on March 5th, 2022 at 07:27 pm
Where do I start. Single mum dating is a difficult subject to tackle for many reasons but it’s an important one, so, here’s my first crack at it.
I don’t claim to have all the answers as I’m fairly new to it all myself. But, I’m someone who was raised by a single mum myself. And I’ve seen first-hand how a family can be affected by a relationship breakdown.
I hope I can combine my feelings and theirs, to create a relatable framework for readers looking for the answer to the question; “how do I date as a single mum?”
First of all let me acknowledge the feelings of all the single mums reading this. When you become a mother, your life changes overnight. You don’t come first anymore, you now have someone who you love more than yourself, think about constantly, and would move heaven and earth for.
You change your living space to accommodate them, you temporarily or fully leave your job to look after them. Your spending habits change, buying less for yourself and finding that there are endless things that you need for your growing baby.
So what’s it like for a single mum dating?
When you become a single mother, your life changes overnight again.
When you’re doing it all with a partner, some of that amount of personal sacrifice comes from them. But doing it alone, it’s all on you.
It’s double the pressure to keep your home, work, and finances afloat. Double the personal sacrifice. Double the amount of things you need to do. Plus, you might be learning how to be a parent for the first time. Or, you may have more than one child to think about.
The life you thought you were going to have is suddenly gone.
Then there’s the uncertainty of your future. The likelihood is that you didn’t plan on becoming a single mum.
You may have had a different vision in your head, for years even, involving the father of your children, marriage into old age. Now things have shifted and you’re left feeling lost, maybe even feeling cheated out of that life. What now?
It’s inevitable that you’ll think about single mum dating, but now it’s more complicated.
The issues that come up for a single mum dating;
Judgement
Once upon a time it was nobody’s business but your own when you went on dates or started talking to someone new.
In this situation though, it’s a little more like all eyes are on you. If you’re going out for a date, chances are whoever you ask to babysit is going to find out. Cue the nosy questions and prying.
Plus, you might have an ex who’s particularly curious about what you’re up to, and not too happy about it, which leads on to the next point…
Timing
How soon is too soon to get back in the scene? Am I ready? Is there a certain age my child should be before I start thinking about someone new? Should I wait until my ex and I are in a good place with co-parenting?
Lots of questions – and there’s no ‘right’ answer to any of them. Each person’s situation is unique and only you know when the time is right.
Feeling like you need to justify yourself
Whether it comes from some internal guilt within yourself, or outside pressures, there may be a sense that you’re being selfish by pursuing a romantic relationship now.
The negative thought might be that you should be spending that time or energy on your child. The thing is, you’re still a person too. You didn’t stop existing the minute you had a baby. When they’re (finally) asleep at night, and it’s just you floating around the house, it can be very lonely.
Sometimes you need adult conversation, affection, emotional support. Why should you have to justify that to anyone?
Fear of getting hurt
Let’s be honest, it’s a different ballgame now you’re a mum. Trying to decide whether or not to declare you have a child right off the bat is difficult.
Some people are going to reject you for it, that’s just a fact, but you don’t want those people anyway and it’s better to just filter them out ASAP.
There’s probably still some lasting damage from your failed relationship with your kids dad, but try not to let it sour your opinion on the opposite sex. Trust that you’re wiser now, but if you still feel too vulnerable it may be a sign that you’re not ready for anyone new.
Lack of confidence
So say you do find someone you like, and they’re interested. Oh shit.
Your favourite subject to talk about is your baby, probably need to tone that down for first date chat.
Your body isn’t the same and you can’t imagine actually showing a new man your stretch marks and wobbly bits if it ever gets to that.
You’ve got limited time to be available and you can’t say yes to spontaneous dates, weekends away etc.
I will forgive you for feeling overwhelmed at this point, if you can forgive me for being what might be perceived as negative.
I’m just trying to be real about all the things that I myself have felt, and know from other mums to be prevalent thoughts on this topic.
And to be brutally honest with you, this only scratches the surface. Some single mums find themselves in more serious situations, having left relationships with varying levels of abuse and toxicity.
It’s even harder to face the rocky terrain of single mum dating when you’ve been through hurt on that level.
Please keep reading though, as we step into the light…
Why there is hope…
While it may feel like things have fallen apart, it’s actually time to rethink your situation as a huge opportunity.
This is a chance to break the cycle of failed relationships and heartache. Since dating as a single mum is a much slower and more careful process, there’s plenty of time to think about your choices, learn from past mistakes, and pick the right person for you.
Building a foundation of confidence for yourself should be easier than ever, if you really think about it.
There’s no escaping the challenges of raising a child (or children) on your own, and you’ve had to rise to those challenges. That’s an achievement you should be proud of. You’ve proved to yourself that you are strong and you are capable. Take that strength forward with you into every new life hurdle, including the search for a new relationship.
You Can Justify Your Desire to Find Love Again
Don’t worry about what anyone else thinks. It’s your life. All that matters is that you are safe, your child is safe, and whatever you chose to do is for the right reasons. Finding a quick rebound partner isn’t a fix-all solution to unhappiness, but if building a loving partnership and a connected family unit is an important life goal for you, that’s a valid and totally justified ambition that you should be able to pursue without being questioned.
Eharmony Profile Examples For A Single Mum (Guaranteed To Impress Him)
Building Your Confidence Back
One great way to rebuild your confidence and gain some self-esteem is to start challenging your negative thoughts.
Take one of the issues that make you feel unhappy about yourself – a belief that you’ve convinced yourself of, such as “nobody is going to want to be with me”.
Now, let’s think about that. Who said that? Is that true?
To counteract – somebody has wanted to be with you before, right? So why would nobody ever want to be with you again? Is it really that nobody wants you, or that you haven’t found the right person to want you, yet.
Do this with all of your insecurities, and you’ll start to realise that each one can be challenged.
Start replacing them with positive statements about yourself like “I make people laugh”, and now you’ve got a new set of more positive beliefs about yourself. That’s called confidence.
Make this positive thinking permanent, and your life will start to change.