Last updated on February 22nd, 2022 at 11:10 pm
Co-parenting can look different for every family. Maybe you split your time with the kids 50/50, on weekends only, or sporadically. Some people get along well with their co-parent, and some really really don’t. This article aims to talk about what to do when you don’t get on – and the main reason for that is often that one person feels like they’re doing all the hard work…
Trash the Idea of a ‘Broken Home’
In the UK there are 1.8million single parents with dependent children in the home – around 90% of which are women (stats here). The great news is, the evidence shows that your household setup makes no difference to how well your child functions or performs in school or later life. It doesn’t matter if a child lives with mum and dad, just mum, mum and nana or any other variation.
What actually matters for our kids’ development is the quality of their relationships and the level of relationship health that they are exposed to in their family. I’ve been doing some reading on the subject lately that’s brought some challenging thoughts to the forefront of my mind.
Supermum vs Co-parenting Issues
As a single mum, you are also a super mum – that’s just the way it is. Raising a child is not a one-person job, and yet you do it day in and day out, while you also fill the role of the homemaker and the provider. It’s an achievement, one to be bloody proud of! Life as a single parent can be especially hard when the other parent is lacking in some way. Maybe they fall short on their responsibilities, are inconsistent, or have other issues that make them shall we say, not the best parent.
BUT… let’s talk about your pride for a minute. You are managing your life and the life of your child or children who depend on you, you’re in charge, you make the executive decisions, even when you wish you could pass the responsibility on to someone else sometimes.
As a natural result, very often single mums feel resentful about the huge imbalance in the co-parenting dynamic. And resentment breeds a lot of other negative energy.
The Easy Co-Parenting Mistake We Often Make
Here’s the thing. You need to let go of the narrative in your head that you are the “good parent” and he is the “bad parent”. Forget about keeping score, even if you genuinely do the majority of the work and you can reel off a list of things off the top of your head that he hasn’t done, or done wrong – just drop the “bad” label. Ask yourself, how does your child see it? Children, especially young children, don’t value who it was exactly who packed their lunch or washed their clothes – because they don’t know the effort it takes to do those things, and that’s not their fault.
All they know is; who is giving them smiles, laughter, who shows them love, who is fun. If Daddy is ticking those boxes, a bond will happen. It is ridiculously easy to get mad at this and say “Hey! I do all the hard work, and he gets to clown around and get all that love for half the effort??”.
Ask yourself when you feel this way, what are you saying you actually want? Do you want your child to not smile with their dad? To not have fun with him? To dislike him? Are you, subconsciously, asking your child to show you loyalty by turning their back on their dad? Is that fair?
Now you’re thinking…
No that’s not what I’m saying. I just want it to be acknowledged that I am doing the lions share of the work.
That is fair, but it’s not fair to ask a small child to understand that. Have faith and have patience. One day they will have the ability to look back and see what you did for them, and how monumental your love was, from a more mature perspective.
You have to respect your child’s right to bond with their parent. We have to be careful not to guilt our children into having poor relationships with their fathers. Because they love us, and don’t want to hurt our feelings by loving dad too.
Sometimes it sucks to be the bigger person, but it has to be done
In an ideal world, dad would be responsible, reliable, proactive, organised. In reality, he might be a failure at every one of those things – but he might be humorous, brave, non-judgemental, or practical… there may be valuable traits that he can hone in your child, that you may lack. You can’t deny that your child shares his DNA, and so will be naturally finding common characteristics that can be explored.
The important thing to remember is that co-parenting is a long and evolving process. It will change over time, it will have highs and lows. If things are not going well now, it doesn’t mean they always will be bad. Perhaps you adapted very quickly to parenthood, and the other parent is slower on the uptake. Persevere, communicate, and try not to let your feelings of resentment ultimately affect your children’s relationship with their Dad. It’s easier said than done, but in the long run, you will thank yourself for it.
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