Last updated on August 15th, 2023 at 11:13 pm
Many parents who are going through a divorce or separation may be tempted to keep their child away from the other parent, either out of spite, fear, or resentment. However, this can have serious negative effects on the child’s well-being, development, and relationship with both parents. In this post, I will explain why parental alienation is harmful and how to avoid it.
First of all, the decision-making process behind keeping a child away from the other parent has legal implications. That may mean it’s out of your hands. If a parent has legal rights to see their children, and they want to see them, they are well within their rights to take you to court. A shared custody arrangement will be likely put into place.
Sometimes, however, relationships between ex-partners can be much more informal. You may have no court-ordered arrangement and it’s all down to communication between the two parents. One parent may find themselves in a position where they could easily just not reach out to the other to arrange time with the kids. And while it may be tempting to do that, it can sometimes backfire.
Keeping a Child Away From the Other Parent Is Essential If There’s a Question of Safety
If you have any reason to believe that your child’s safety may be compromised by being left with their other parent, this is the most valid reason to keep the child away. Are there any suggestions of substance abuse, violence, neglect, or any kind of bad conduct that you think is unsuitable for a child? If so, immediately seek help from a court or social services so that you can be granted full custody.
Keeping a Child Away Because the Relationship Ended Badly
If things are sour between you and your ex, that’s not necessarily a good reason to keep your child away from them. You may have really strong negative feelings towards them, especially if they walked out on you or cheated. But it’s worth remembering that your feelings towards your ex are a separate matter from your children’s feelings towards their parent.
The other parent may have behaved selfishly. They may have done things that you feel have negatively impacted your children by damaging your ‘family’ setup. But a tit-for-tat attitude in this case is only going to cause further damage to your kids. What really needs to be done is a damage control situation. Take a step back and say this;
‘Ok, this isn’t looking how we thought it would, but how can we now make the best out of this situation?’
Trying to protect your child from disappointment? Read more about that Here.
Denying Your Child a Relationship With Their Parent Could Negatively Impact Them In the Future
Children can be unintentionally harmed by exposure to parental conflict. It can have an impact on their mental and emotional well-being and affect their own relationships when they grow up. Being caught in the middle of their parents can cause anxiety and depression.
According to a study by the American Psychological Association1, parental alienation can cause children to suffer from low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, and even suicidal thoughts. Furthermore, children who are alienated from one parent may develop attachment issues, trust problems, and difficulty forming healthy relationships in the future2. Therefore, it is crucial for parents to maintain a positive and respectful co-parenting relationship with their ex-partner for the sake of their child’s well-being.
Not being allowed to see their parent could even be quite traumatic for them. They may miss them, yearn for a relationship, or question if they are loved by both of their parents. This can negatively affect their sense of self-worth or security.
If there is a new partner in your ex’s life, it can be difficult to accept the idea of your child spending time with them. It’s important to remember that you’re not alone in that feeling! And it will get easier to accept over time. Try to just think of them as an extra person in your child’s life to love and support them as they grow up. As long as they are kind to your child, that’s all you should really be concerned about. You can’t be replaced in your child’s heart, they will love you no matter what!
If Your Child Starts to Side With You Against Their Other Parent
In a household where there is a lot of negative talk about the parent who is absent, you may find that the children not only learn that their other parent is ‘bad’, but they start to actively demonise or hate them. They may even say statements like “I hate my Dad/Mum” because of what they have done. Or because of them not being around. You may think there is nothing wrong with this because it is true that the Dad or Mum is, objectively, not a ‘good’ person.
However, children know that they are a product of both of their parents. If they see one of their parents as being bad, they will also feel (consciously, or unconsciously) that there are parts of themselves that are also bad. So to some degree, hatred of a parent is also hatred of self. As children get older they may struggle with trying to cut out or deny the parts of their own personality. The parts that they associate with their ‘bad’ parent. This can even lead to alcohol and drug abuse, internalised shame and depression in later years.
The Takeaway
Keeping a child away from the other parent can backfire on both the child and the adults. Parental alienation can have devastating consequences on the child’s mental health, emotional development, and social skills. It can also damage the parent-child bond and create resentment and guilt. Seek professional help from a therapist or charity if you are struggling with co-parenting issues. Remember that your child deserves to have a loving and supportive relationship with both of their parents.
Remember
- It’s important to separate your own feelings from your child’s feelings
- Consider the impact of your decisions on your children’s wellbeing
- How kids feel about each parent reflects how they feel about themselves.
- Conflicts can be worked on and improved over time – and this will benefit everyone.
Did you enjoy this article? You might also want to read 5 Ways That Co-Parenting Exes Can Avoid Becoming Toxic
