4 Ways to Combat Perfectionist Parenting Immediately

Last updated on March 27th, 2022 at 09:37 pm

Perfectionism – it’s a strange trait…

…in the sense that it can be described as both a strength and a weakness. We’ve probably all written it on our CV’s at some point – but are you really one? Is your perfectionist trait tainting your parenting?

Your parenting style can be influenced by the informational books you read, your trial and error discoveries and your own parents. There will always be aspects that are unique to you, and based on your personal quirks and tendencies. Are you a perfectionist? Is it spilling over into the way you parent? Let’s discuss.

Some signs that you might be a perfectionist;

• You focus on the product more than the process. If a task doesn’t turn out ‘right’ you see the attempt as a failure rather than a learning experience.

• Avoiding doing things you can’t do extremely well. You wouldn’t DREAM of doing karaoke unless you sounded as good as Whitney and you don’t like games that you’ve been known to lose at.

• Taking longer to do things than others would (eg. Taking half an hour to write and rewrite a text or a short email)

• Setting high, unrealistic standards for yourself, often based on others. The result – feeling like a failure when you aren’t as ‘successful’ as they are.

What’s It Got To Do With My Parenting?

The chances are, that if you’re a perfectionist when it comes to the little things in everyday life, it’s going to be a huge factor in your parenting too. Being responsible for a little human is possibly the most significant task you’ve ever undertaken, so of course you’re going to approach it with your perfectionist attitude, probably x 10.

So, what’s the problem?

It just means you’re going to be a stellar mum, right?

To some extent, yes. It can only be a good thing to strive for your best when raising a child. But, perfectionism can definitely have its downsides. And when paired with the already high pressures of parenting, it could end up having a negative effect on your mental health.

The Consequences

Unrealistic goals can’t be met, and so when a perfectionist repeatedly fails, they can experience;

• Feelings of hopelessness
• Stress
• Anxiety
• Self-condemnation
• Lack of self-worth

It’s never pleasant to feel any of these emotions, but especially not when you have a new child. With the life adjustments and probable exhaustion that comes with a new baby, you’re already vulnerable to a fragile mental state, right? So it’s in your best interests to be kind to yourself and not add extra pressure.

Combatting Unhealthy Perfectionism

If you think your perfectionist tendencies have gone beyond a healthy point, here are some tips of how stay in touch with reality and set realistic and reasonable goals for yourself as a parent.

1. Accept that small children are unpredictable. No matter how much you plan, they can and will derail it. Naps will be refused, meals lovingly prepared will be wasted. It’s nobody’s fault when this happens.
   
2. Don’t compare yourself to social media influencers with mum-related content. They can be great platforms for advice or entertainment. But often there’s a lot of glamour that just isn’t representative of every ‘normal’ family. Things can be, and often are, edited to make their life look better than it actually is. They won’t be always be filming the tears, tantrums, sleepless nights and the argument with their partner. It just doesn’t make good content.
   
3. Perfectionists often play their mistakes in their head over and over. Don’t do this. Forgive yourself, learn from them, move on. Anything else is just a waste of your time and mental energy.
   
4. S l o w… d o w n… a n d… e n j o y… t h e… m o m e n t. Babies aren’t babies forever! It’s hard for a perfectionist to relinquish their control and relax when things are going wrong, but learning to do this will be good for you and baby.

The new you…

So you spent an hour making their first ever purée and they flipped the bowl on to the dog. Ok. Ok! Well, it’s not what you planned but it’ll be a funny memory to tell in years to come.

So baby is learning to cruise and bumped their head in that one moment when you looked away. Now they have a little bruise. Are you going to mentally beat yourself up for the rest of the day? Or are you going to allow yourself a few minutes of mum guilt as you give them a kiss and a cuddle, and then move on? Because guess what, baby is fine and smiling and over it!

From now on, you’re going to allow yourself to be a human. Doesn’t that feel like a relief? You are a caring and loving parent. Let yourself also be a happier and healthier parent. That’s a gift worth giving to that baby who you would move heaven and earth for. They’ll thank you for it one day.

Click here for more information on parenting and mental health if you feel as though you need support. Don’t be afraid to reach out!