Last updated on August 15th, 2021 at 02:32 pm
If there’s one thing we know about human beings, it’s that they are flawed. We may live in a world now that’s all about staging the most perfect version of yourself on the internet! But, behind that we all have a history. The question is, does our history affect our Mothering?
Our pasts – specifically how we experienced being parented as children, might be affecting how we parent in the present day. Generational trauma could be lurking in your life, passed down from your parents and maybe even their parents before them. How do we stop it?
What Is Generational Trauma?
Did you ever notice, that as soon as you had a child you started remembering pieces of your own childhood more vividly?
Perhaps as you watch them play with their toys you’re reminded of similar ones you had, games you played, or the complex emotions you felt as a young person.
But as well as the good memories, your child’s tears and tough moments might equally trigger flashbacks to less happy times in your childhood. For some, negative events from our formative years are examples of generational trauma that were either passed down to us, or that we might pass to our kids in the future.
Examples
Like most things in life, generational trauma can be put on a spectrum. It might be something fairly common, like the death of a parent or sibling that caused trauma in your early years.
Or on the high end, it could be a catastrophic event – for example, the Bosnian War and genocide (1992-1995). An event in fairly recent history that could very much be affecting a mother of my age now (I’m 29) as she tries to raise her child while battling unpleasant memories of her own childhood.
Perhaps having a parent who was incarcerated during your childhood could be the source of trauma for you. A family history of alcoholism, domestic violence, or abuse (emotional/physical/sexual) might have contributed to unhealthy coping mechanisms. You might see these mechanisms manifested in yourself, your parents, or your grandparents.
What Are The Signs That Generational Trauma Might Be Affecting Me?
It could be the case that you thought these issues weren’t actively affecting you anymore. But in subtle ways, they are actually resurfacing as you now navigate parenthood for yourself.
According to an article on choosingtherapy.com, the symptoms of Intergenerational Trauma include;
- Lack of trust of others
- Anger
- Irritability
- Nightmares
- Fearfulness
- Inability to connect with others
These may be things you recognise in yourself. For example, have you ever felt an unexplained lack of trust in your partner? Or do certain behaviours from your kids cause you to have an extremely quick rise to anger?
This could be a result of subconscious trauma-related triggers.
In ‘The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read’ by Phillipa Perry, it states;
“It is common for a parent to withdraw from their child at a very similar age to when that parent’s parent became unavailable to them. Or a parent will want to pull away emotionally when their child is at the same age as they were when they felt alone.”
‘The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read’ by Phillipa Perry
This would suggest that we actually act unconsciously towards our children, pushing them away because they are triggering a painful reminder of the past. This is what we mean when we refer to ‘the cycle’.
What To Do About Lingering Effects of Trauma
Recognition is the first step to combatting the residual repercussions of trauma. If you can see the patterns emerging in your home, you can do something about it.
It would be beneficial to consider;
- Admitting your struggle to someone
- Escaping a situation where abuse or violence dominates your well-being
- Getting therapy or family therapy
- Educating yourself on healthy coping strategies and functional parenting techniques
- Seeking help for addiction
- Building a support system for your family with healthy role models for your kids
There are many things that can be done to ensure that your struggles don’t affect your children. With the right awareness and communication, your experience can actually make you a better parent. Even just reading about this topic means you’re part of the way there!
Although trauma affects our lives in significant ways, all is not lost. If you feel like you can make a start on your journey of healing just by reading this article, you’re on the right track. Once we know better, we can do better – so let’s get better together!
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Resources:
Intergenerational Trauma, What It Is & How to Heal
Building a support system
The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read