Why Does My Child Act Up After Visiting Dad?

Last updated on March 8th, 2024 at 11:58 am

If you’ve landed on this post, the chances are that you’ve noticed a pattern of bad behaviour at specific times in your week. Prompting you to wonder, why does my child act up after visiting their Dad?

Well first of all, yes – you aren’t imagining things. It’s actually very common for a child with separated parents to act differently on their return home from a visit. 

It just happens to be more common that children usually reside with their mothers for the bulk of their time. And so there are lots of mums who then are the ones who observe these changes to their child’s ‘usual’ behaviour. 

You might notice that your child is more agitated, irritable, naughty, tearful or hyper when they come home after a visit with Dad.

In many cases, this can lead to you, Mum, leaping to a few conclusions that may turn out to be incorrect. 

For example, worrying that something bad happened during the visit, or that Dad isn’t implementing the same parenting boundaries as you, are some of the first things you may think. 

However, it’s important to remember, as said above, that this is a common phenomenon, across a large number of families with similar circumstances to you. It’s not necessarily anything that you or your ex-partner have done wrong. 

Understanding Why Your Child May Act Up After Visiting Dad

It’s important to remember that children express their feelings in different ways to how an adult might. And on top of that, they may not even be able to identify what their feelings even are. 

Particularly if you have quite a young child, they won’t have the vocabulary to tell you “I found that handover quite stressful Mum.” Or, “I wasn’t ready for Dad to go yet.” And so they will communicate those things in the only language they know how. 

That might result in some toy throwing, shouting, hyperactive running around, or tears. 

Try to imagine what you might do if you were feeling an emotion but were unable to say the words to describe it to someone.

With older children, it’s a similar issue with some more complex layers. They might know that they weren’t ready to come home just yet. But they still don’t feel like they can say that because they do not want to upset you, hurt your feelings or cause any conflict. 

They might now be feeling guilt, shame or worry, on top of their initial feelings of disappointment over having to come home when they were enjoying some time with their other parent. 

These are of course, some imagined examples of how a child might feel at the end of a visit. 

But each family situation is unique. You might have to look at your own situations and determine for yourself how your child might be feeling, or the best practice may be to simply ask them.

Some other things that might be causing heightened emotions in your child could be;

• A new partner in either parent’s lives 

• A new baby sibling (this could be having an effect on them from two angles, either of jealousy or simply the huge change to environment – loud crying, sleep-deprived parents and a change to usual routine) 

• A move of house or school 

• Not getting on with step-siblings, or missing them when they have to say goodbye!

How to make it easier;

Don’t fret! There are some very simple things you can do to reduce the chances that your child will act up after visiting Dad.
All is not lost. 

1. Have a predictable routine. Sticking to a custody schedule is the best option for all involved. You, Dad and the kids will always know what’s happening and when. It eliminates uncertainty and gets everybody on track. Its key to getting used to your routine.  

2. Don’t just do a car to door drop-off. Invite your child’s dad in, just for 5 or 10 minutes to have a chat, and exchange any important information. It can make the whole drop-off experience more pleasant for your child. Especially if you’re able to have a laugh or a joke together. It will ease tension, and relieve your child of the burden of feeling that they have to keep two separate lives apart. 

3. Reduce the stress of the handover. If you and your ex literally cannot speak without having cross words between you, try a handover book. He can write any important things you need to know in the book and put it in their bag. Thus, eliminating the need to ask questions or talk. This will reduce opportunities to argue and upset your kids just as they return home.

4. Utilise comfort items for younger children. Sometimes a blankie or stuffed toy can bring a small child great comfort in moments of transition. Making sure they take these with them for their weekend visit is essential. Have these items out and in their hands during swapover, rather than tucked away in bags. It can give them the extra feeling of comfort that they need. Their comfort items can also create a feeling of consistency across their two homes.
5. Keep communication open. Talking to your child (supportively) about their other parent, other home, and their weekends away can be extremely helpful. Make them feel like they can bring these things up without upsetting you. It will take a lot of weight off their shoulders. It’ll also give you greater insight as to what goes on with them when they’re away. And this, will help you understand their feelings when they come home.

What to Do if Your Ex is a ‘Disney Dad’

We talked at the beginning of this article about how your child acting up after visiting dad isn’t necessarily an indication that he’s doing anything wrong. But on some occasions, you might be dealing with a Disney Dad. In which case, yes, he could be doing some things to aggravate this situation. 

What is a Disney Dad? 

A Disney Dad is someone who either consciously or subconsciously wants to be the favourite parent. They’ll achieve this by making their weekend with the children full of fun, games, treats, and never saying ‘no’ to anything they want. At the same time, a Disney Dad will also duck-out on any kind of difficult parenting involving discipline. He will not continue the practices and maintain the boundaries that you, the Mum, have worked hard to instigate at home. As a result, this unfairly polarises you both as the fun, ‘good’ parent (him), and the strict, ‘bad’ parent (you).

The first thing you want to do to try and combat this is speak to him. Find out his motives – if he’s doing this out of guilt for not being around more, fear of not being liked, or maliciously to undermine you. 

Once you know this, you can determine whether he can change his ways or not. 

If he is being malicious, you’ll probably have further problems and could benefit from seeking advice from a Single Parent Charity.

Secondly, don’t panic that your kids are going to love you less.

Your ex might be making your life difficult by creating impossible standards to compete with, but you will always be the more reliable parent. 

Kids need stability, and proper discipline (as in, not letting them eat chocolate for breakfast) as part of good care. Sooner or later they will realise that life is less chaotic with you, and they feel and function better in your home. 

Is it as bad as you first thought?

Depending on the severity of the Disney Dad’s antics, maybe a little change of perspective from your part, could help. If you’re not willing or able to spend your money on frequent trips out to fun places, but he is? Is that so bad…? Your kids get a fun childhood and a chance to run wild and let off steam. 

You get a break and you don’t have to foot the bill. Not bad. 

But if you do really find that your ex’s behaviour is actively undermining your parenting, you may be dealing with a narcissist.

The “Safe Space” Theory

Another theory that might explain why your child acts up after visiting dad is the “safe space” theory. This theory suggests that when children are with the parent they’re not as close to, they can’t fully be themselves. They might feel insecure, anxious, or pressured to behave in a certain way. They might also suppress their negative emotions, such as anger, sadness, or frustration, to avoid conflict or rejection.

Then, when they come home to their mum who is their safe space, they unleash all the emotions they’ve been holding in. They might act out, cry, or throw tantrums. Because they feel comfortable and safe enough to express their true feelings with you. They might also be testing your love and boundaries, to see if you will still accept them after they show you their worst side. This theory is based on the idea that children need a secure attachment with at least one parent, who can provide them with unconditional love and support.

How can I help my child feel more comfortable with their dad?

There are some ways that you can help your child overcome these challenges and build a positive relationship with their dad. Here are some suggestions based on the web search results:

• Encourage communication. One of the most important factors in any relationship is communication. You can help your child feel more comfortable with their dad by encouraging them to talk to him. Encourage them to express their feelings and needs. You can also model good communication skills yourself. Do this by talking to your child’s dad respectfully and cooperatively, and by avoiding criticism or blame. Communication can help your child and their dad understand each other better and resolve any conflicts or misunderstandings.
  
• Create a consistent and predictable routine. Children thrive on stability and predictability, especially when they are dealing with transitions or changes. You can help your child feel more comfortable with their dad by creating a consistent and predictable routine for when they see him. such as a regular schedule, a familiar location, or a special activity. This can help your child know what to expect and feel more secure.
  
• Focus on the positive aspects. Sometimes children may focus on the negative aspects of their dad, such as his flaws, mistakes, or differences. This can make them feel resentful, angry, or distant from him. Try focusing on the positive aspects of him, such as his strengths, achievements, or similarities. You can also praise your child’s dad for his efforts, contributions, or qualities, and encourage your child to do the same. This can help your child appreciate their dad more and see him in a more favourable light.
  
• Support your child’s autonomy and individuality. Children are unique individuals with their own preferences, opinions, and interests. Sometimes they may feel pressured or constrained by their dad’s expectations, rules, or values. You can help your child feel more comfortable with their dad by supporting their autonomy and individuality. You can do this by respecting your child’s choices, allowing them to disagree or say no, and encouraging them to pursue their passions. You can also help your child’s dad understand and accept your child’s personality and needs.

In Conclusion

Of course, it’s best to try and find a resolution to the things that bother you. Conflict in a family does no good to anyone. 

The simplest and fastest way to resolve some of your feelings is to speak to others in the single parent community who may be experiencing the same thing. 

A simple post in a facebook group ”does anyone elses child act up after visiting their dad?” Is going to get a lot of responses back.

It will take a huge weight off your mind once you realise it’s not just you. Talking and comparing stories could lead you to finding answers on what worked for others, or, finding peace in that your situation is normal. 

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